Nobody Can Be Exactly Like Me (The re-write)

“Nobody can be exactly like me, even I have trouble doing it“

~Tallulah Bankhead

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Hey, all you cyberpeeps, e-quaintances, e-sisters and e-bros, Sandee’s on hiatus and has sworn off the bad news for a while, so this is her alter ego Felicia.  She doesn’t know I’m doing this and won’t find out until after Easter, then it will be too late for her to do anything about it.  Ok, I know you want to know all about Sandee, excuse me Shekinah (sheesh, where does she come up with the names?).  Oh, in case you haven’t noticed, I am Sandee’s wise-cracking alter-ego. (There’s a few of us “personalities” in here, in case you hadn’t already picked up on that).  But I know you are going to want to know what she’s up to during this little break.  So, ok, I’ll divulge what’s in her journal, cuz that’s just the type of gal I am.  NO boundaries, don’tcha know.  No gatekeeper either, what I think comes straight out of my mouth, no filter, no censor.  Thus the wiseacre facet, or as my Mammaw Thompson used to call it, a “smarr-tarsse”.  I don’t know what that means.

By the way, I mean no offense to anyone who actually does have multiple personalities.  Then again, maybe I really do have them.  I mean, if you did, how would you know?

Ok, back to the journal…

Day one: Great devotional time this morning about how rebuilding the Temple takes precedence  over rebuilding the wall.  (Ezra 3:8-13)  (Psalm 18:31-40) The Temple is the presence of God in your life, and if something has broken that down, then the walls that protect you will be useless anyway.  Wow!  How pertinent that is to where I am right now as I take this needed sabbatical.  I am emotionally exhausted, stripped and whipped by life’s turbulence.  I have been blogging the news like a madwoman as if doing so could hasten the rapture.  (‘Cuz I am SO ready to blow this popsicle stand).  But I was feeling like a cranky toddler fighting sleep.  Cutting corners on the temple, and concentrating on the walls; the walls being things that kept my mind easily preoccupied from my physical and emotional pain by their artificial urgency.  It was just easier.  The idea of mining for treasure in the Word seemed too much like work some days, and isn’t that just what Satan likes us to think?  Not to denigrate the enormous value of being deep in the Word, however being that the Word is powerful (potent), if you truly aren’t able to be in-depth occasionally, even “a little dab will do ya” in those times.  (You know, times when  the thought of running your eyeballs back and forth over a page seems like too much exertion to ask of your exhausted body, much less your mind.  A lot of people wouldn’t understand a tiredness that profound, and I’m happy for them).  No part of the Word will return unto Him void.  It will always do what He meant for it to accomplish.  A single verse can be, to the starving exhausted spirit,  like a “power bar” of nutrition to the harried career woman.  It won’t hold you well all day, but since you’re not up to much more than that, it is certainly better than nothing, and will keep your appetite whetted for more.

(Voice 1, goes by the name of Oberly Serius, an aside) I have always had a penchant for under-mining myself.  I joke that my being bipolar was caused by having the tapes of  Dad compete with the tapes of Mom always playing in my head.  My Dad was very much an “ah, that’s good enough” kind of guy.  Not negligent, just easy to please, and cognizant of the fact that in life you choose your battles.  Whereas  my mother, well, she’s a bit of a stickler.

(What, Chuck? I’m being nice, and I’m not addressing this to you, Jackie, because you are just like Mom and were already asking “what’s wrong with being a stickler, somebody has to have standards you know?”.) Admit it!  

Brothers!!!

(Aside to the aside; Felicia’s thought bubble:) Yes my family need not even be present for us to have a conversation, so well are the roles defined.  Same with my hubby.   We all know one another’s lines.

(Oberly Serius again):  Anyhoo, where was I?  Oh, yeah, Bipolar…..voices in my head….(Oh, krikey, now they’re gonna come take my guns..)

Felicia:  “Um. Excuse me! Do you mind, I was telling them about the journal entry” (stomps her figurative foot in frustration).

(Oberly Serius continues…) Yeah, I undermine myself a lot.  I get to making progress in some endeavor, and then my “Mamma” voice says, “now, Sandra Carol, you know you can do a better job, I taught you better than that”.   So then I get a little nervous, feel a little pressure, try to hit it with more intention and effort.  Then Dad would say “naah, that’s good enough!”  When I get sidelined, I tend to get very bummed out over the fact that yesterday I was making progress and now look where I am and then I tend to throw in the towel. 

Apparently there are those who when they don’t know, they aren’t aware that they don’t know, therefore their not-knowing doesn’t become a hindrance and before they have had time to think about it, they’ve already accomplished the thing. 

Then there are those who really have to walk around and around a thing, view it  from every angle, come up with a meticulous plan of attack, then get overwhelmed and give up because the molehill suddenly seems like an insurmountable mountain.

(Felicia: Go to extremes much?.)

 (thought bubble): Yes, actually, I do.  That’s what I have been trying to make everyone understand.  It is NOT fun inside this head with all of you and all of the chaos

(second voice, goes by Dory) “Who was that?”

(third voice) “I have no idea!”
(Felicia)  Where’s ‘Doctor Phil when you need him?”

(Back to Sandee’s journal entry): So! Don’t waste time building the wall until you restore the temple.  Christ Himself, my relationship with God, that’s the ‘center’, the touchstone, the foundation.  Without that, I may as well not expect anything else to line up smoothly and no walls are going to protect me because the damage will be internal at the very heart.  Externals are, and should be secondary.  It is so elementary, yet so easy to lose sight of. If I can get that through my head and keep it there, I could make real progress, possibly even feel some sense of relief and freedom from the heaviness that seems to always plague me.

(Felecia): “Yeah, yeah, you can keep wearin’ those rose-colored glasses Pollyanna.

Dory voice: “You know, we could do without your cynacism”.

(Third  voice) “Yes, yes we could, and the interruptions!”

(Felicia): Alllll-riightythen!

Journal continued:

It was really good to see my friend Tam at her work for a little while today. It has been a year and a half I think, since we actually laid eyes on one another, though we have e-mailed a couple of times.  I left the dentist’s office and stopped in to say hi.  I think I was there 40 minutes. (I hope she doesn’t get fired. Hey Miz Boss-lady, please don’t fire Tam just because her mentally challenged friend waltzed right into a place of business because the doors are unlocked today, lol.)

Spending time with friends is something I miss.  I have been a veritable recluse (first because of sickness, then out of mourning and self-preservation) What’s that saying about “I try to take one day at a time, but lately several have been attacking me at once”??  Only in this case, its been several trials at once, or at least, striking in quick succession with little pause between them.   It is no wonder I am a bit “beside myself”. (Pun intended)  Gosh, the year before that, I was grieving the loss of a dear life-long friend, not to death, but astoundingly enough, to a misunderstanding we just could never seem to straighten out, and at the same time, walking on eggshells in some new friendships under circumstances the scope of which was not known at the beginning. I undertook some extremely serious, and yes I’d say very strenuous, spiritual warfare!  When that old preacher said “prayer is the real work of the church”, he wasn’t kidding.  Yet I know in my “knower”that extended period of intense prayer is the only reason I survived all this.  It all goes back to that one morning a few years back, when God woke me up from deep sleep, with an urgency to fall on my face and yield for His touch in preparation for “something” (I knew not what) that was coming.   That launched a period of  searching the scriptures to depths I’d never been to before, and intense prayer (as well as my hunger for prophecy and being a watch-woman).  I saw God’s hand moving in ways that blew my mind in all the circumstances around me.  I learned a lot, but I am not sure it is something I ever want to endure again.  That is what I mean when I say “the Christian life is hard, if you’re doing it right”.  Isn’t that pretty much what Jesus said?  In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.   Why must learning the really important-to-understand things always be so hard?  Regardless of how hard I have worked on them, I still struggle with real trust issues, and all these inter-personal interactions and spiritual endeavors took a real toll.  For someone who has been benched in the game of life because of my health, I don’t have nearly the stamina I used to have for interacting with others.  I have always been very whole-hearted with people.  It is a wonderful way to live, but costly.  Now that my inner resources are so very meager, more often than not, I can’t “afford” being that way with people much anymore, and that is probably my biggest loss that I mourn in living with debilitating conditions.  I have grieved this loss most profoundly of all, through these years.  It is very isolating.  But I continued to go out and reach out as much as possible whenever I felt up to it.  I was never the kind of friend who waited to be called.  If I hadn’t heard from someone, I made a point to pick up the phone, or drop in.  Now, during these last 3 years, and the last 7 months particularly,  I have intentionally withdrawn from people, needing to rest and regroup.  Two days ago was the first time that I felt like my head had “broken the surface of the water” so to speak; that I had, indeed survived these trials and lived to tell about it and just might  get a new lease on life after all at some point.  Then I went on that routine follow-up appointment to the rheumatology clinic and BAM!  The time-factor involved was draining enough, but to have the whole can of worms open back up when the N.P. got all worked up over some findings….I still don’t know what to make of it, but after so many years of seeking diagnosis and being brushed off and sometimes even ridiculed, I have developed a Pavlovian tendency to have a PTSD-like reaction whenever I walk into any doctor’s office, even if I only went there to lend moral support to a friend and am not even the patient!!!  So when the routine appointment took a turn, it was a little demoralizing at the very least.  Come to find out, though, it was just the difference between a doctor and a nurse practitioner, she (the nurse) being much more thorough.  I have made up my mind to see the NP from here on out! The tests are all normal. Again. There, that’s better.  That puts me back where I thought I was.  Which just proves the futility of worrying, but like I said.  Pavlovian.  Your mind has a mind of  it’s own.

I think the point I am trying to make is, that with some time spent with the Lord and in His Word this morning, and spending a little time with a dear old friend, I am feeling way better already. What do you know? I smiled a genuine smile!  There are times I am sure I’ve lost it forever. I laughed! Now that’s something I miss.  Before I got sick, I was pretty much known for my laughing and smiling.  People would often say things like “you are always smiling, aren’t you?” or, “you sure do like to laugh”.  I couldn’t help myself. Yes, I loved laughing and it didn’t take much to get me going, I wasn’t picky.  I could laugh at most anything.

It is downright cruel what this fallen world and the fallen state in general are capable of stealing from us.  And I certainly have not conceded anything without a valiant fight.  For 18 years I have fought tooth and nail for every good moment.  I cherished my babies when they were little.  Couldn’t hold them and kiss ‘em and squeeze on ‘em enough.  I continued for so long to call and reach out to people.  Busy friends with full plates, going on in the race without me.  I joke and say “I remember when I had a plate”.  But there has been a whole lot of grieving of what I’ve lost.  Not the least of which was my nursing career.  And the ability to help contribute to the family budget anytime it was needed.  And the feeling of giving and taking care of patients in their time of need.  I took as much pride in my work as anyone does, more than most, probably.  It was very fulfilling.  Very demanding, but very fulfilling.

I think getting together with people who “knew me when”, who have known me practically my whole life, who know these things about me, gives me a taste of the things I have lost, being mine again if just while with them.  In a lot of ways, I’m a little like the paralytic only not in that I can’t use my arms and legs anymore, but so many other “parts of me” I can’t use.  I am a multi-faceted person with a lot to offer, who has extreme limitations on her means for giving it.  I guess that is why my blog has meant so much to me.  It is the first thing I’ve had in my life for a long time, that is “mine”.  Something I can do well.  My self is really the only thing I have to offer, flawed and broken down as I am.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom, but the mom-role starts to take a back seat when boys get to be teens.  I loved being “mommy” when they were little but they are at that age now where Mamma, if she is wise, will back off a little and let them be the adventurers they are.  Give them space to grow their sense of self (as differentiated from their bond with Mom, which will hopefully grow into more of a friendship, as they become adults, and change from that of one-up-one-down, to peers in the world of grown-ups.  I have to let them fail, fly, sink, swim, whatever.  Tam and I even got into some of that as we were catching up on each other’s families.

It’s so funny, though, contents under pressure tend to spew when finally released.  When I have been bearing my burdens and just doing the best I can (which is often the case), when I finally do get to talking with someone who already knows and understands me, it can be kind of funny.  Tired people are often punchy.  In my case, with the cataplexy, that can add a hilarious twist, being that laughter is a trigger.  So I do sound punchy and if I happen to be standing up, I may also stagger.  I have been known to be asked “have you been drinking?”  Which, of course, only brings on gales more of laughter.  I don’t even have to be with other people to experience this.  I can get a funny thought in my head and it’s off to the races.  (Imagine how that plays to passing motorists when I’m in the car alone.  Now there’s a picture!)

Well, getting back to contents under pressure: I went to the dentist first thing.  I remembered that Dr. Gold (or was it Liz?) told me that there was an interesting article in this month’s Time Magazine, about Trans-humanism, and the advent of real life “bionic man” technology.  I found it and had just started reading it when the dental hygenist came to call me back for my cleaning.  So I laid the magazine to the side, opened face-up to the article and when I came out afterward, another girl came from the back to water the plants in the lobby.  As I picked up the magazine, I felt the need to say, as if in explanation and almost in one long run-on sentence: “I wantedtofinishthisarticle. Do otherpeopledothat, comeoutoftheirappointmentandfinish readingthearticletheywerereadingwhenyoucalled themback?”  She got a bewildered little smile and just nodded her head, and at the same time the gal behind the desk was waiting to schedule my next appointment, but my run-away mind had already jumped the track to another (related in a way that made sense only to me) subject, and I said…”That’s like my sister, when my Dad used to wake us up for schoolin themorning shewouldsay, ‘but I wanted to finish my dream’ andwhat’scrazyis she wouldgobacktosleepandfinishherdream”. WHOCANCONTROLTHEIRDREAMS? If I couldcontrolmydreams Icouldhave a lot of fun everynight”

(Felicia: take your time, let that one sink in…..)

On a half-second delay I realized how that sounded and in my head I scolded my mouth (“I can’t take you ANYWHERE!”) and then tried to wave it off like I meant to be funny by saying, “oh, I’m so bad, I shouldn’t say things like that”.

It all got a hearty laugh for the dentist office ladies, and if there is anyone who knows how much a good laugh is worth, I do, so I just went on my way, apologizing to Jesus in my head.  I figured I was on a roll so that is why I decided to go see Tam.  The place she works is right next door, and would you believe that between the front door of the dentist to my car, I forgot I was going there, got halfway home, and had to turn around.  Anyway, the place she works is a non-profit foundation and lots of people come and go, but for security reasons they buzz people in after they press the intercom and identify who they are.  I think this system is kinda cool in a pretentious kinda way, and always did enjoy my chance to be “buzzed in”.  It’s not everyday you get buzzed in, after all.  So I was all ready…

“Is Tam in today?”

(Tinny intercom voice; wah wawah waaah?)

“Tell her it is Angie Felicia Susan B. Anthony Jones to see her, please”.

(Silence……)

“Helloooo?”

(Wah wawah wa waah wa waaaa???)

“I said, please tell her it is Angie Felecia Susan B. Anthony Jones to see Tam McDuggal”.

(Silence).

“Hel? Helo? Is this thing on?”

(silence……laughter….oh…wahwah just told me wawah wah.  Too funny….cackle cackle…) Buuzzzzz

But NOOOO!  This was the one day in the entire 6 years she has been working there that I stopped by on a day when the doors were unlocked because of a function in their meeting room.

We had a good ole time, catching up.  It’s surprising how much catching up you can get done in 40 minutes.  Especially when my mouth gets off the leash from my brain.  Her boss walked in and I managed not to say anything too outrageous.  Her other co-worker came in and I kept my mouth shut.  Then her third co-worker came in (keep in mind I have over 50 percent hearing loss in both ears but I only wear my hearing aids in situations like church or when I watch TV at home and don’t want to blow out my family’s eardrums), so the co-worker comes in and Tam re-introduces us and the coworker says something like, “oh,yeah, I remember you (which is code for “Oh, I didn’t recognize you since you gained 40 pounds) and something else I didn’t quite catch, and my response to what I thought she said, was “What? did you just lie to me and tell me that I looked good?”  Tam burst out laughing and explained my hearing loss (I think that’s what she was whispering, though at this point the co-worker was between the two of us, so I might have missed her give the lady the universal sign for don’t mind her, she’s insane) and then the co-worker said, “no, I just asked you how you were doing”.

I don’t think people know quite what to make of me sometimes.

It was a slow day, but they are also one employee short, so Tam, was answering the phone in between, (and I had forgotten, by the way, that she is also the buzzer- inner, therefore my scheme wouldn’t have been quite as hilarious as I’d hoped anyway since she would have known it was me in a half a second.  That’s how it is when you have history with someone).

Too bad  I have never been good at making a joke.  But  I gotta say, when I get into the right frame of mind I can be pretty entertaining on accident.

Well, that’s my journal for today, the day of getting back in touch with God and parts of myself that get buried under the rubble sometimes.  Namely my Osseus Humerus.  (No, wait, that’s that Roman guy that owns the place, with his wife Tibia.

Felicia: “What a corny sap”

(First voice): “She heard that!”

(Second voice): “The Bible says, a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.  This explains a lot!”  You know, there is a lot of good stuff in the Bible.   I pray Matthew 17:15 over my boys every day.  It goes like this:  “Lord, have mercy on my son, for he is a  lunatic”.

Remember Grace

As Christians we are called to live an examined life.  We are to be set apart, in the world and not of it.  In our conversation, in our character, in our convictions, in our conduct, we should be a reflection of God.  The Christian life is designed to purify us, through trials and tribulations, struggles and losses.

And then there is GRACE.  Yes, we strive.  Yes we have a standard.  But when we compare ourselves to that standard, we will always fall woefully short.  Because the standard is Jesus and we are human, still subject to and limited by the flesh.  When we falter, when we are tired, when we have been scooped out and hollowed by the demands of Earthly life, God understands.  He is not so much of a taskmaster that He doesn’t understand the need to pull aside once in a while and just be still.

We are driven too hard by compulsory pressures.  We have to take stock once in a while and ask ourselves what the benefit is of all the ways we spend our time.  Even in terms of our jobs, or the kid’s activities, and yes, even church.  Sure, people are counting on us because we said we would go/do/be this, that or the other.  But how’s your marriage?  Is your spouse getting the time with you they deserve?  Are your kids?  How about the Lord? I mean, just sitting still, reading His Word and chatting with Him about what you have going on and saying thank you as you enumerate your blessings?

We ask more of ourselves than God does sometimes, I do believe.  We forget that God’s approval and love for us is not performance-based.  Our own confidence and self-approval may fluctuate wildly from one moment to the next, but God never changes.

Now, I know we live in a world where self-esteem has become the ultimate achievement.

I am not really talking to those of you who are “fine the way you are”, but rather to those who really live each moment conscientiously, striving to be a good steward of all your resources, whether internal or external.  People who put others first.  Moms who aspire to be a Proverbs 31 woman, teens who diligently aspire to rise above the cesspool of secular school and be a witness.  Businessmen who “finish last” for being honest, but are honest anyway.  Dads who work 65 hours a week, pay child support and still have to deal with a vindictive ex-wife who talks them down in front of their kids.  Those people who are doing the best they can, but never get ahead.  God sees.  He is taking note.  It is not wasted.  He is pleased with you.  And in a world where there are no standards anymore other than to be as rich and as hard and as invincible as possible, you still are willing to submit to God’s measure of value, though it is utter foolishness to the world.

My friend, we are almost there.  You can do it.  Keep caring even when it feels like you are the last.  Keep being honest, even if it costs you everything.  Keep obeying the Lord, even if they mock you.  Stand firm, and while others lift their heads in defiance, bow yours in humility and ask God for Grace for one more day.  Do not give sway to fear or to flesh.  Hang on until you can’t and then trust the Lord’s hand to catch you.

It’s okay. We aren’t all we hoped to be, but God has been working in ways we didn’t even know, and some day soon, we will understand it all.  God will unroll the tapestry and show us the upper side.

“Walk On” by Sandra T. Lloyd©

Underneath the overshadowing of my greatest fears

You walk with me while I struggle to see through the blur of my tears

You hold my hand and help me to walk on

When I knew I had nothing more to give, You made me put one foot in front of the other, promising you would take care of the rest, if I’d only do that.

“Just hold my hand, my child.  Never let go”, You said.  “That’s all I ask of you.  I will see to the rest”.

Somewhere out there tonight, while I am resting peacefully, there is a light on in a house in these wee hours.  A man is suffering, and holding Your hand in his own private darkness, while his wife lovingly does what she promised to do, on their wedding day.

And they walk on.

And somewhere tonight, in a poor neighborhood a woman falls into bed, exhausted, heartbroken as her husband slips away, leaving her in her grief, to hold it all together while no one seems to share her burdens.

You ask her to walk on.

“But we can’t, Lord”, we cry.

“Why should we?”, we ask.

“Because I have a plan”, You answer.

“But I just don’t see how all things work together for good!”

“My child, nothing touches you without my permission.  I will not call upon you to endure anything that I will not also provide a way for you to bear it.  Do not concern yourself with the details.  Some things you do not need to know.  Do you trust Me?”

“Yes, Lord, but it is so hard”.

“I know””, the Savior said, as a great drop of blood fell from His brow and mingled with the tears He cried for me………………..

“But walk on”

Copyright STLloyd 10.27.95

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

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There remaineth therefore a rest, for the people of God.  Hebrews 4:9

It’s been a hard “week”, but the Sabbath is coming!

He restoreth my soul!

 

“George Bailey, It’s a Wonderful Life”

The life of faith is a life of continual choices.  No matter what God brings you through, when the next thing comes along, you have to choose faith again.  His mercies are new every morning, and with each new road (or obstacle course) He is charting, He admonishes us not to attempt to get by on yesterday’ manna for nourishment.

So, on 12/12/12 God set our feet on a new road.  This cartoon comes to mind:

I laughed until I cried when I saw this cartoon several months ago because I figure there were more times God dragged me, than He carried me, by virtue of my, shall we say, hesitancy to go along with the whole “Father Knows Best” thing.

I feel pretty safe in saying that neither Garrett nor I would have chosen this road for our family voluntarily, even despite the absolute peace we have had, there is still a vast and yawning “unknown” gaping ahead of us.  But we have decided that we are just going to trust Him.  It’s just so darn much easier than trying to force ourselves calm, (impossible), or “visualize the desired outcome”.  We’ve submitted our request, of course, for Garrett to be cancer-free at the end of his 6 months of chemo, for his hemoglobin to build back up to normal range.   It takes so much energy to worry all the time.  Neither one of us has it in us anymore.

We marveled at how God sent the right docs and nurses with all we needed from them.  We marveled and thanked God that He moved the first doctor in the line-up of many who would see him, to do lab-work and discover his extremely low hemoglobin.

When we were driving home from the hospital on 12-21-12, rather than feeling like our world was crashing down, we were marveling at the hope we felt.  Garrett was doing a fair impression of Jimmy Stewart in “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  “Hullo, old bridge, Hullo  you wonderful old broken-down house”.  It made me chuckle.  That’s my favorite movie of all time.  But Garrett felt even more like George Bailey after he got home, and has had calls and visits, someone bringing a meal here, someone else slipping in  monetary help for getting by while he is out of work, and we are just humbled by the outpouring of prayers and love and generosity even coming from a dear brother and sister who know us only through this blog. (You know who you are, and we thank you from humbled hearts).   We are so grateful for God’s grace and goodness and for the love of the body of Christ and family near and far.

Whenever you find yourself in a situation where clearly things are simply out of your hands, there is a certain relief that comes with that.  I know that if it were left to me and my natural inclinations of the flesh, I could get terribly torn  up over this.   We could both panic or get depressed.  It has been a crazy year, and certainly things beyond the walls of the Lloyd household, out there in the world, are getting more insane all the time, as we well know.

But God remains firmly in control, on His throne, and this is part of His plan.  It is just “the next thing”.  We anticipate the privilege of seeing what God is going to do in these circumstances, how He will use it to mold our faith, the faith of our kids, and others.

This morning was sort of my time to put it in neutral and give myself a little time to process it all.  I was a little afraid that the bubble of grace might pop.  But I was just honest with God.  “Lord, if it’s up to me, You know I’ll not handle this well, so I’m leaving it up to You.  I am an empty vessel.  Whatever I am going to need, I look to You to put it in me”.  I still have not experienced any fear.  I think by Thursday night we were both stretched taut nerve-wise, after his hemoglobin continued to fall even after surgery, necessitating 2 more units of blood, but by Thursday night we had the pathology reports and had been given the bottom line.   Knowing the news is generally less excruciating than waiting for the blow to fall.   You’ve probably heard the saying “don’t tell me to relax, my tension is the only thing holding me together”.   I have often felt that way, but this time it was just a relief to know where things stood and get a plan in place.

I had been concerned about Garrett’s health for a while.  Even though it was not surprising he was weary after the year we have had, it was still troubling for me to see him get as weary as me with all my conditions, and I’d been suggesting he get established with a doctor but I also know that nagging is counter-productive so I hadn’t pressed the matter.  I think just the time in the hospital, people ministering to him and having all responsibility lifted temporarily from is shoulders, was a tremendous and much-needed break for him.  It is hard enough for men in this world, especially Christian men who are striving provide for, protect and lead their family while slaying the dragon out in the mad mad work-a-day world.

Our pastor was there not just the first day, but several times during that week.  And when we walked into church yesterday, Garrett was quickly surrounded with well-wishers, people happy to see him back, assurances of their prayers being lifted up on our behalf.

So, old George Bailey and I are just deciding to get on board and enjoy the ride, and see where God takes us as He writes this next chapter in the curriculum of life.  School is never out for the Christian.  We expect we will know things in six months that we don’t know right now.  We expect to see God’s hand at work, and maybe even some miracles along the way.  The good and wonderful life is not to be found in what we make of our existence.  The good life really only comes when you surrender all your “rights and wants and expectations”.   All we have, has come from His hand.  We have nothing that wasn’t given to us.  The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away,  blessed be the name of the Lord.  Though He slay us, we will yet praise Him.  What the Lord requires from us He provides for us.  That is not “organic” it doesn’t arise from anything in our flesh, and yet it is the perspective the Holy Spirit has put in us, and we choose to trust because, even though we don’t understand His methods, we know His heart toward us, His thoughts toward us are only for our good continually, at all times.

Looking forward to the most peaceful and blessed Christmas ever and we pray the same for you!

 

Worn-out Saints

Daniel, speaking of the antichrist, tells that he (the a.c.) will wear out the saints of the Most High (Daniel 7:25).  The antichrist has not been revealed yet, but it sure seems that he has been hard at work behind the scenes to do just that.  We get up every day and seek the Lord and we keep going, but we are tired and the road we are traveling gets harder.  For those in a watchman ministry it can become quite heavy if we fail to balance it with prayer and plenty of time in the scripture rehearsing the good news, so we don’t lose sight of it.

When I lose perspective there is one sure way to begin adjusting the focus, and that is by enumerating all my blessings, and recalling all the times and all the ways God has delivered me through trials and difficulties before.  And then with perspective restored, go back to the Word and take nourishment that not only strengthens me, but like physical nutrients, it builds up my immunity as well.

In God we have an endless supply of stamina, but generally we don’t tap into His endless reserves until we have exhausted our own.  Learning to live “in the yoke” with Him is the only way to continue in His strength as a matter of course in the day-to-day.  For most of us, there is a continuous flux.  We get in the yoke, and stay there until we feel rested and then we think, “ok, I can take it from here now”.  We go in our own strength again for a while until depleted, and continue the cycle.  That is just like a child, and God understands it but His will is that we remain in the yoke at all times.  A sign of maturity is that leaving the yoke happens less and less, and when we do step out, we don’t stay out there long.

I think that by design, some of us are more prone to consistency than others.  Some of us are up against rhythms and patterns that work against us.  I have conditions in my body that undermine the intent to be consistent.  For many years I berated myself for this. It isn’t acceptable to give into them entirely, but now I have learned to work with (rather than against) the flow  of those rhythms and be a little more compassionate with my self.  I still push when it is called for.  But for the most part I necessarily live in such a way that I must “keep back” in reserve, some measure of energy by making minimal commitments, and avoiding stress as much as I can.  I am certain there are those around me who do not understand this, and come to their own conclusions about it, and I accept that whether it is fair or not, because it simply is the way it is.

It’s not a matter of feelings or preference, but a matter of being the best steward of your resources that you can be.

I realize the scripture in Daniel is referring to actions the antichrist will take during the tribulation, but it is clear to me that the spirit of the antichrist has already been at work in this world for some time.  I frankly am, a worn-out saint.  I have battled with sickness in my body for 2 decades and am weary beyond words.  Even Christians are shocked when I express my deep, deep yearning to be free from this world and this body, when I am not even 50 yet.  In a world where fitness and youth are pursued like the brass ring, many likely conclude that I just gave up at some point and ought to “get back in the game”.   Back in “the game” is the last thing I want.

I am wearied by the futility of worldly expectations, the illusory gains dangled before us, and the capacity of the human race to willfully ignore and deny and remain blind to an obvious mirage.  Even the professing church continues to fail in acknowledging her own role in the current conditions of the world.  I look back and I know that I was guilty of that in the past, and it grieves me and I have repented in tears of sorrow.  Sin is what wears out the saints.  Our own past sin, the sin of those around us, the cesspool of sin we can’t escape because if we are driving down the road, it assails our ears from the thumping stereo of the car in the next lane, and our eyes from the billboards.  It has permeated and saturated the culture.  And though we may have small ports of safe-haven, it becomes harder every day to breathe without inhaling it.

God will remove us from this toxic environment before too much longer.  Salt doesn’t just lose its savor from sitting around un-used.  Salt also eventually loses its saltiness when it’s saltiness is spent and used up.  Salt that stays in the salt-pile among other salt, loses it’s savor more gradually than salt that has been out there being salt in a decidedly salt-deficient environment such as the world we live in today.

There are many ways to be salt.  Entering into the troubles of another, shouldering their burden and offering comfort and hope.  Down in the trenches kind of help.  Hands getting dirty kind of help.  Serving “tirelessly” within the church is one way to give to the Lord, and takes its own toll, but serving in the muck-a-day world in the dark workplace, in the depths of sorrow and suffering and ugly harsh realities, that is costly in terms of giving of ones self in a way that never quite gets replenished.  Because it is a spending of self that truly gives self away.  It’s a little like those folks who went in at Fukushima to secure the area and minimize the radioactive fallout.  Radiation sickness is a given for them, early death is a given.  They bore the brunt, to minimize what others would bear.

I think that we will be surprised at what burns as dross and what remains of our efforts and endeavors down here.  A good many deeds which took place far, far removed from the church-house, will likely prove to be of enduring mettle, whilst a surprising number of “church-related” works may burn.

Church in these final hours of the age, is no doubt significantly removed in every way, from what it was meant to be when first established in the first century after Christ lived, died and was resurrected.  The corruption began immediately.  A cursory reading of the first few chapters of Revelation makes it clear that the current state of the church is no surprise to God, and shouldn’t be to us either, if we’ve read the Book.  But does that mean we just give up?  God forbid!  No, we continue to strive and to stand and to proclaim and to work as best we can until that trumpet sounds.

There is one thing that I have learned in life.  You can’t have anything “both ways”.  Without God we can do nothing, and whenever we do manage to “accomplish” something good and worthwhile to the sake of the Kingdom, it is never we ourselves who accomplished it, but God and His power in us.  God gave each human free will.  I will share the gospel but I will not make the mistake of thinking that I can do the job of the Holy Spirit.  Give the gospel and leave it there.  We are not to beg.  If God calls someone to preach, that is what God called them to do, and even if the pews are empty, that man ought to preach, and will be answerable to God on whether he did or didn’t.

If God called a man to evangelize on street corners or knock on doors, that is what he ought to do.  Whether he does it alone or with others, he need not turn aside from doing what he knows God called him to do, in order to try to pursuade others that it is their calling as well, when it may in fact not be.

My calling and gifting is in writing and in prayer and intercession.  Everyone is not an eye, everyone is not an ear, everyone is not a mouth and everyone is not a hand.  The feet are for going.  The hands are for working and building, and in my case, writing.  If I am not “going” what fault of mine is that?  I am not the foot.  If I am not praying, then I am guilty of disobedience.  There are those who are called to preach, and those who are called to administration, and those who are called to travel to “the uttermost parts” to take the gospel, and then there are those who are called to work in the secular world to bring in the funds so that others may preach and go and build and administer.  The worker in the secular job ought not be made to feel lesser for a role “less holy”.  In fact perhaps he should be commended all the more for continuing to honor and serve God in a decidedly un-holy environment.

Therefore those who have the higher calling of direct ministry should be careful not to look down on those whose role it is to give by means of secular work, that the “holy work” may be sustained.  We ought all to “study to be quiet, tend our own business and work” (1 Thes. 4:11).

We are all tired and weary, but our faith is strong and sure not because we are so faithful and committed, but because it is fastened and founded in the sureness of God Himself and His ability to keep us “against that day”, for faith itself is “not of ourselves, but a gift of God, lest any man should boast”(Eph. 2:8).

I am weary most of all, of Satan’s ploys to heap condemnation upon us.  Am I all that I can be in the Lord and for the Lord.  No, but God’s not finished with me yet.  He alone will form this lump of clay into the masterpiece He has in mind.  My task is to yield.  If you ask me, the thing most lacking in the remnant church today, is the yielding.  We have altar calls, so we can “get down to these altars and do business with God” but if it is 5 til 12, don’t linger down there too awfully long, we have a program to adhere to, after all.

We never escape being human.  We “overcome” our blindness in one area, only to discover we are near-sighted in another.  We “correct” only to find we have over-corrected and veered to the other extreme.

There is nothing new under the sun.  There are people who truly don’t try in life, who never come close to meeting their potential.  And then there are those who refuse to acknowledge the limitations that come with being human.  I recognize this maybe a little better than most folks by virtue of having lived most of my existence in the extremes, and having to consciously strive to find the middle ground of stability and realism.

Am I down, discouraged, depressed?  No.  Not by a long shot.  But I can see, in this “paste on a smile, never let ‘em’ see you sweat” world, how my lack of Stepford-esque smile might be construed as such.  We have surrounded ourselves with fun-house mirrors and optical illusions so prolific, so distorted, that few of us can even recognize our own true reflection any longer.

And maybe that is one of the main reasons I am so worn out.  There aren’t that many of us left who are still trying to maintain the image and vision of what is true in this mixed up world.  It is so much easier to capitulate.

Astronauts and crackpot pilots go through rigorous training for the purpose of being able to maintain equilibrium under sensory-distorting conditions experienced in flight and warp-speed, anti-gravity space travel.  These are environments and conditions foreign to average daily life.

Well, it is like we are living under those conditions every day now.  And it is very easy to think we still have our wits about us, when we in fact are starting to black out.  Under such duress, the merciful relief of succumbing to the black-out state is ever so tempting.  But we dare not!

Keep your eyes on the Lord.  Stay in the Word!  Do what you know to do.  And be true to your own calling.  Don’t judge what others are doing, and most importantly, don’t look to others as your reference points.  Look to God alone, His Word, alone, test and try the spirits and all doctrine by the infallible Word.  Yield to Him and trust Him to keep you.  There are times the ride will be so bumpy, the only thing you can do is hold on.  And there will be times that will be all He asks.  Thank God the victory is already secured.  We have great joy, yes, fullness of joy in Him and in our glorious future, but right now, right now it’s sober times!

Out of my mind, back in a couple of days!

You guys were lookig like you could use a break to catch up anyway!

It has been a busy couple of weeks with a lot happening.

 Stepping back to rest and regroup.

Plenty to read here even without the daily news so

 I hope you will browse around the ole archives and read some of the vintage stuff dating way, way back to March

And explore the labeled pages across the top of the blog for all sorts of hidden goodies you probably never even realized were there.

I’ll be back on Wednesday, fresh and ready to slog through the countdown to the US election and TEOTWAWKI

Whichever comes first.

Don’t forget to watch the debate!

Sunday Splendor

Mysterious hum in West Seattle

Listen to sound clip HERE   (The actual sound of the hum doesn’t start until almost the middle of the clip, then builds in intensity and volume).  That sound would definitely bother me if I had to hear it continuously!

Read the story on the West Seattle Blog

This “odd and unacounted noise” phenomenon just keeps taking place, popping up here and there all over the world.  Another disturbing trend is the proponderence of sinkholes that also seem to be pretty frequent these days.  There were two in the news today, one in South Carolina and one in Toronto.  In the Toronto case, the sinkhole formed when a massive pipe apparently crumbled.  But it still makes you wonder what forces are at play to make that happen suddenly as it did. That one swallowed a car.

These things, along with increasing volcanic and earthquake activity, sure seem to indicate that our planet is under strain.  The Bible says that all creation groans in anticipation of it’s redemption.  Romans 8:21-22.  It also talks about Christians groaning within ourselves as we await that same physical redemption.  I, for one, can vouch for that!  I am not that old, but have dealt with chronic illness and fatigue for many years.  I look forward to the promise of a new “deluxe model” body that doesn’t age and doesn’t get tired.

Mansions in Heaven?

This post is a little more off the top of the head than most I’ve done. So bear with me if I meander.  Think of it as organic, lol.

I have a strange mind.  I’m kind of an eclectomaniac.  (I made that word up).  I have lots of interests, a short attention span, and a bad memeory.  My mind can jump around.  A LOT. It’s just how God made me.  (ok, maybe middle age and parenthood played a part too).  Anyhoo, I am rather inquisitive, and kinda quirky in my way of looking at things.  Sometimes I think God gets tired of my incessant questions and tosses thoughts to me like a new toy just to catch a few minutes break.  “There, chew on that and see what comes to you”, He seems to say.  So here’s a peek inside my head from today:

*******

My Dad is a fairly simple fellow.  He firmly believes in reading the Bible and believing it for what it says.  Yet a pet peeve he harps upon is this idea that heaven is full of shiny pretentious mansions.  I’ve always sort of chuckled, wondering why the idea of mansions in heaven offended him so much.  He says, “well, it’s going to be perfect there.  No harsh weather, extreme heat or cold.  Why would we need a “shelter”, a great big old mansion for every single person in heaven?” (Probably the idea of it makes him feel a little claustrophobic.  He’s a country boy and likes the outdoors and open spaces).

We picture Jesus, (a carpenter when here on Earth) up there hammering, sawing, measuring, and taking great pleasure in building a house with all our preferences in mind, anticipating our delight.  We forget that before Jesus was a carpenter, He was The Creator God.  Still is.

Just out of the blue this morning, the Lord turned my mind to a familiar verse I’ve heard all my life and prompted me to “just think about it for a minute”.  So I did, and Sha-Zam!
The scripture God brought to mind was 2 Corinthians 5:1-4.  For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens  For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked.  For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that morality might be swallowed up in life.

Now, our friend Pastor Mike Hoggard says, take a principle or word and “chase it down” throughout the scriptures if you want to understand it.  The Bible is its own best and most exhaustive commentary and dictionary.

So I  compared 2 Corinthians 5:1-4 to John 14:2, the verse which no doubt inspired the famous song: In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

In both passages the word “house” is οἰκία- pronounced oy-kee’-ah, and means residence or abode. (Strongs G3624).

In John 14:2  the word “mansions” is μονή-pronounced mon-ay’, and means residence or abode. (Strongs G3438).

The word “house” is used 2026 times in the King James Bible!  206 times in the New Testament, and 10 times  in John.  That has nothing to do with  my point, I just think it is a cool factoid and it may fool you into thinking I’m smarter than I actually am, lol.

HOWEVER!!!!

The word “mansion” appears only ONE time in the whole Bible:  in John 14:2, and the meaning is the same as that in 2 Corinthians 5.

A tabernacle is, of course, a tent, or temporary residence.  That’s beside the point too, but what can I say? I love words.  I’m a word nerd.

Soooooo

Could it be that the “house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens”, the  much-anticipated upgrade from what we are “clothed upon with” here, to the “mansion” we shall be “clothed upon with” in heaven, is not referring to our own personal “palace” up there?

I understand the commonly accepted explanation of this passage comes about by parallel with the known marital customs of the ancient time and culture of Jesus day, wherein the bridegroom returned to His father’s land or house, and built an addition or dwelling for His bride, and when it was complete he would go fetch  her.  That’s really cool and all, but lets forget about that for a minute. Think about it!  What is it that  we groan for? Is it not that moment in time, in a twinkling of an eye, when we shed this corrupt earthly body and are clothed upon with the new incorruptible one!

Like turtles carry their “abode” with them everywhere they go, perhaps this “abode”/”house” or “mansion” spoken of is the new, perfect deluxe model body we will inhabit!  Maybe that’s what Jesus has been up there working on and preparing for us all these years!

A tent is to a mansion, as an earthly body is to a glorified heavenly body.  There’s really no comparison!   Ha! Who needs a castle?

Well, whether mansion means mansion in the plain sense of the word, or in the sense of a house-abode-upgraded body with which we will be “clothed upon”, Glory hallelujah, I say bring it on!  Either way it is going to be incomprehensibly awesome!

Rip Van Winkle Awakens!

It’s sort of ironic, having narcolepsy and then having to be on medicines that sedate you.  You may have noticed that I haven’t posted in about 6 days.  My symptoms took such a bad turn the last few weeks that my doctor put me on another new medicine.  The major side effect of which has been extreme sedation.  As a result I have been a bit of a zombie.  The first few days I slept most of the day.  The regimen required starting on a low dose, then increasing.  With the increase, the sedation was worse and is taking me longer to overcome.  Since a major problem with narcolepsy is already excessive daytime sleepiness, I guess you can imagine how this would be a bit of a setback in the narcolepsy symptoms even while helping with the connective-tissue issues.  Over time, my doctor says the sedation effects will lessen.  I am thankful that it has helped the pain and stiffness, but boy is it hard to fight off sleep and get things done, particularly write coherent sentences, lol.  This is the first day that I have remained awake through the morning. I was able to go to church on Sunday for the first time since Easter.  But I was sleep-walking.  Present in body, but hardly conscious.  Still, it was really good to be there.

As for home, ugh, so much work to catch up on after being out of commission these past many weeks.  I wonder if others feel like I do, as you sit sidelined from your own life, like those things that go un-done just mock you.  It can be so frustrating.  But I still believe that God has a reason for everything. By His grace it will get done eventually.

In my devotions this morning I read Psalm 73.  Comforting words in this day in time, when good people are doing the best they can to get by, and it seems that the wicked prosper and have a life of ease.   There is a lot going on in our world today.  Disturbing things happening in our nation.  But God is on His throne.  I believe that the hardships of many believers have the intended effect of forcing us to know our own inadequacy, and rely on God, thus knowing with certainty His all-Sufficiency.   I say, if hardship is what it takes to keep our minds and hearts stayed on God, then so be it.  He will never leave us or forsake us.

Truly God is good to Israel, even to such as  are of a clean heart.  But as for me, my feet were almost gone; my steps had well-nigh slipped.  For I was envious of the wicked.  For there are no bands in their death: but their strength is firm.  They are not in trouble as other men; neither are they plagued like other men.  Therefore pride compasseth them about as a chain; violence covereth them like a garment.  Their eyes stand out in fatness: they have more than heart could wish.   They are corrupt, and speak wickedly concerning oppression; they speak loftily.  They set their mouth against the heavens, and their tongue walketh through the earth.  Therefore his people return hither: and waters of a full cup are wrung out to them.  And they say, How doth God know? And is there knowledge in the Most High?  Behold, these are the ungodly, who prosper in the world; they increase in riches, Verily I have cleansed my heart in vain, and wahsed my hands in innocency..  For all the day long have I been plagued, and chastened every morning.  If I say I will speak thus; behold, I should offend against the generation of thy children.  When I thought to know this, it was too painful for me..  Until I went into the sanctuary of God; then understood I their end.  Surely thou didst set them in slippery places; thou castedst them down into destruction.  how are they brought into desolation, as in a moment!  They are utterly consumed with terrors.  As a dream when one awaketh; so,, O Lord, when thou awakest, thou shalt despise their image.  Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. 

The moral of this psalm is this:  Proper understanding and perspective for the Christian comes only in entering into the Sanctuary, and allowing God to reveal things to you from His perspective.  Otherwise, we can become very troubled by the circumstances of life in this world.  Perspective is everything!  Whatever you are facing today, take time to enter the Sanctuary. Pray, open the Word, ask God to change your perspective.  It can mean the difference between victory and defeat as you face your giants today.

 

 

Cast Down, But Not Destroyed

Many years ago when my illness first started out, the fatigue was the most profound problem, but led to severe mood issues for a lot of years.  One cannot have profound ill-health of the body without it eventually taking a toll on the mind and emotions.  Today I am running on empty a bit, so I decided to do a “semi reblog” of something I previously posted.

My blog is set up differently than most, in tht I have used “permenant pages” as tabs at the top, to share many of my poetry and other writings that I’ve composed over the years.  I’ve  pulled out one of those pages and posted it below.  It is a prayer.  It gives an idea of how it felt to live with that severe, fatigue-induced depression and impaired mental function.  When the sleep disorders were finally diagnosed and treated properly, all of the depression, anxiety, and “mindfog” got much better and I got back to mostly having the more  normal “everyday” ebb and flow of moods rather than severe and erratic swings.  My mind was able to re-order itself so retrieving information became efficient once again.

Now that the physical stuff;  the pain, the always feeling like I have the flu, have been relentless for 4 months, for the most part I’ve, by God’s grace and purposeful effort, managed to maintain a pretty upbeat perspective most of the time, but it’s not been easy and  everyone has their breaking point. A person can only take so many days on end without relief.  Yesterday was my worst day, to date, and I was crushed under the weight of it all.

Still, God knows our limits and has promised never to give us more than we can bear.  So I will look for today to be a better day, and hope for the best.

Strength for the Weary (A Prayer)

It hurts to become irrelevant, just because you no longer conform to an image, to become invisible and no longer qualify as a “normal human being”, and be judged lazy, incompetent, and undisciplined. It is painful to labor under the burden of a defective mind, which sometimes struggles to perform even the mundane. Others have no perception of the hourly exertion of will and strength required for my race, nor what lies underneath the cloak, invisible to the world. Sometimes I forget myself. Like the fading image of a dead loved ones face, I forget who I am. I chafe under the raw cruelty of continuing to breathe some days, wondering how it is that simply existing can be so difficult. Lord help me keep walking. I know someday this will all pass away, and it won’t matter anymore. I often long for you to hasten that deliverance, have even asked. But I understand that your purpose for me here isn’t finished. So please help me to see beyond this suffering and give me strength beyond my weariness, for the sake of my boys. They deserve a whole mom. But they have me. Lord, prohibit me from becoming a miser. Give me courage to give what I have. There is much that I lack, and I come boldly asking. But mostly, please fill me with the things my family needs. If you will provide, Lord, it may somehow be all right. It is all that I can really ask, that you please grant me rest for my mind, endurance for this broken vessel, and perseverance for this spirit that I may be steadfast for just one more day. Copyright STLloyd 5-26-07

 

For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body. For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. 2 Corinthians 4:611